Grief. That's what this uncomfortable feeling is, they say. Some days it feels sort of like an allergic reaction or hay fever...irritating and annoying. Noticeable off and on, but not all consuming. Other days, it's like a backache, swinging from mild pain to a sudden spasm that stops me in my tracks and demands attention.
And like pain, grief can make sleeping difficult. And it's not grief over just one thing. When my parents died I was clear what my grief was about, but this is more nebulous. Am I lonely? I don't think so; I kind of like solitude. Do I miss human touch? Yes, but that doesn't feel so debilitating in and of itself. Do I feel overwhelmed when I check the number of infected and number dead in our state and county (something I do daily, like it's a duty I must carry out)? Absolutely. And I'm so aware of the pain surrounding our population. People dying alone. Loved ones separated. Jobs and businesses lost. Fear. Anxiety. So yes, I feel grief. And I hate this emotion called grief. It is so uncomfortable and it sneaks up on me, like hunger or cold, and settles into my bones before I can recognize it. And there it sits until I can move it: with tears, or music, or a conversation with a loved one. Other times it can strike like lightning (or that back spasm), and it takes my breath away. A dear friend has a phrase she shares - more in reference to making life decisions - that comes to mind for me these days. "Who do you want to be on the other side of this?" A good question to ponder when discerning important life choices. But it sticks with me now in these unprecedented times: who do I want to be on the other side of this? And who will we be? I wonder...as I comfort myself with music, and pictures of loved ones, chocolate and conversation. Who will I be? Be/Stay Well, Sandy Talbott
2 Comments
Mel
4/15/2020 02:27:45 pm
Thank you, Sandy! Your words and thoughts touch my heart, as always.
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Diane
4/17/2020 10:33:19 am
Your thoughts have really captured that back spasm feeling that we have been experiencing. Thinking of how we will be different at the end really helps get through. Thank you Sandy!
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